Article: Get off my yard

Not Today
By SUJESH PAVITHRAN

Beneath the facade of cuteness, domestic felines harbour a single-minded devotion to disrupting the neighbourhood peace.

A NOTE of caution to readers before I take off on this week’s rant – the contents below will offend cat lovers.

I strongly believe in animal rights. Zoos depress me because wild animals should be roaming the jungles, not put on show for us.

As for snakes, monkeys, monitor lizards, squirrels and other unfortunate creatures fighting a losing cause against urban encroachment of their habitats, the road-kill on various expressways is testimony to the raw deal they’re getting. I can’t even begin to describe my rage when protected wildlife is slaughtered for some monster’s profit, amusement or “health”.

And dogs are my favourite kind of domestic animals.

However, I have to draw the line at cats ... not the big jungle cats, but those crafty domestic ones that seem intent on disrupting my peace when they starting courting in my back lane after midnight. But that’s not all.

Let’s start with the expressions on their faces. Cats always and inevitably look smug, scornful or suspicious, or various combinations of these expressions. Somewhat like Simon Cowell, actually, without the wit and T-shirt.

Cats are condescending opportunists ... they’ll come to you when they need something, but when they’re perched out-of-reach on a wall or tree after having done something unpleasant, they’ll sneer at you patronisingly until you reach out for a slipper to sling at them ... oh, please, don’t tell me you haven’t thought of doing this.

Each generation of cats in the neighbourhood learns new tricks, and grows smarter and smugger, devising more cunning means to entrench its members around your homes and streets. The aim is ostensibly to make life for non-cat owning persons difficult or at least, inconvenient.

When I shifted to where I live now six years ago, I was taken aback with the cat population, stray and domesticated, in the area.

People complain about stray dogs and the crow menace, and the local council hires shooters to decimate the creatures. But with cats ... ever heard of anyone complaining to the local council about cats? Further prove that these feline subverts are gradually dominating the planet.

These ruffians – the cats, I mean, not the shooters – treat every yard or porch like their litter box, and think nothing of inviting friends and family members. At first, they stay on the ground – a generation later, the younger ones have found their way to your awnings and porch roof, sneaking around roof gutters for ways to enter your house since they know your front door is impenetrable. And they will mark your door as if to challenge you.

They slink around corners and walls, and some have a tendency to get under your car’s bonnet until you start the engine and scare them off ... I have heard of cats using up all their nine lives when they tried to get the better of running engines or fan belts. Look, I feel bad about such things but you don’t catch dogs doing something so stupid. Only cats ?you’d think they’d be smarter.

I once found half a dozen loutish-looking cats lazing around under my car in my porch ... they didn’t even have the decency to scoot off when I appeared and shooed them. A garden hose is handy for such situations, preferably with water running through it at some speed.

For weeks on end, they’ll keep messing up your yard, and then they’ll disappear, leaving you hoping the menace has ended. Then, the next generation shows up and takes over. You can’t convince me these little terrors are not trying to subjugate humans.

As if cats invading my turf weren’t enough, there’s now a bat taking shelter in my backyard ...

This article was taken from: The Star Online: Lifestyle: Lifefocus 4 April 2008