Australian scientists have determined that eating kangaroos and wild camels could save the planet by sharply reducing global warming. Al Gore wasn’t convinced of this as he was fighting a one man battle to reduce the world’s consumption of chillies, which he was convinced gave global warming a whole new meaning. George Bush thought he was talking nonsense again: he supported global warming because he felt it was a legitimate way towards better tans.
The Aussie scientists knew that they were both weird: philosophically speaking, everyone was someone else’s weirdo. But they were serious about the consumption of kangaroos and camels as kangaroos passed out far less greenhouse gas emissions than cows or sheep, while the one million or so wild camels in the outback were doing great harm to the environment simply because of their sheer numbers.
They needed hunters for the camels but couldn’t expressly say so as they were politically correct people, so they decorously maintained that they only required wildlife economisers.
Meanwhile, they called on all patriotic Aussies who loved kangaroos to begin trading recipes immediately, reminding them that kangaroos were The Other White Meat. And copywriters began having a field day. “Microwave a ‘roo today for fun and profit”, went an engaging line that was particularly pleasing.
The Australians were a thoughtful and kindly people who loved defenceless animals like Skippy the Kangaroo, but adored them even more when they came in a rich sauce seasoned with rosemary and leavened with truffle shavings and wild mushrooms.
The Australian dieticians thought it was a good idea as well as both kangaroo and camel meat had more protein and less fat than either beef or lamb. They worried that Australians had become increasingly obese over the years, gradually evolving from a mere sight to an actual panorama whose idea of a balanced diet was a pizza in each hand.
“What’s wrong with that?” asked the fatties defensively.
“Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.”
Overweight people were just highly stressed: that was a scientific fact because “stressed” spelled backwards reads “desserts.”
Even so, Australian farmers and livestock breeders were unhappy with the campaign and defensive about their products. “At least our cows are sane,” they pleaded with the scientists in a derisive putdown of British cows.
The English felt injured by the insult because they’d already put down all cows that showed any sign of being a sociopath, a psychopath or a Republican. While they were at it, they boasted to the Aussies in a cultured, genteel and plummy accent that they’d “done the udders too”.
It was a terrible pun and the Australians reeled back in such horror that they wondered if they should add cats to their ever growing list of edible animals that might pose a threat to the planet. It seemed like a good idea for the English loved their cats. Not the typical Australian male who was suspicious of cats because a long time ago, the creatures had been worshipped as gods and had never forgotten it. Actually, it was because the typical Australian male had the power to channel his imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia and, two, he generally wasn’t averse to cats because they tasted like chicken.
The Americans thought they were all crazy. While they generally agreed that no one should claw his way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables, they thought that kangaroos, camels and cats were a bit much.
“These are our principles,” they told the Aussies stiffly but they were reasonable people as well. “If you don’t like them, we have others.”
● S. Jayasankaran is the bureau chief of Singapore’s Business Times and can be contacted at sankaranjaya@yahoo.com
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